10/12/25

okay I’m normal now. generally speaking. I have a much lighter week coming so that will be nice. love women love being alive.

went to stan hywet! it’s pretentious but I will admit I need to experience beautiful things to live. I get too weirdsad otherwise. stan hywet is my favorite historic home I’ve maybe ever visited, so full of beautiful touches that are very well preserved. The place has so much personality. and the gardens!

10/11/25

I’ve snafu’d myself into an embarrassing dating situation I won’t be elaborating on but just know I am trembling like a chihuahua and am having an impossible time reregulating myself. I need someone to run me over with a steamroller.

ANYWAYS. I’ve been hopping on a bunch of improv teaching gigs and that’s felt really good. the likelihood I could teach adults is low but I like hangin with kids! I am hemorrhaging money and really need to stop spending quite so much. but more money is coming due to the work. so. I need to like read books again and shit. Stop looking at my laptop, stop having technology in my room so on. I’m also in a show with a pretty bad script and that has been passively stressing me out to a high degree. I have a hard time of letting a concern go, especially when it’s interpersonal. I keep gnawing at it until my heart is racing and I can’t think and I do something stupid. I am going to take a fat edible tonight.

I need to spend some time alone. Go outside. Think. Take care of myself.

10/9/25

haven't much felt like writing this week, dunno what it is. i’m very tired and trying to talk my anxiety out of there being something genuinely wrong. worrying a lot, which isn’t new. thinking about money and so on. big shrug.

10/5/25

clambake was honestly amazing that I’m fine having paid such an absurd amount for the tickets. the stewed greens were incredible??? crazy thing to have be incredible at the clambake. It was fun to sit at communal seating and drink white wine and have a cappuccino before we left :) we also went to fancy cocktail bar patio beforehand and the waiter was trying really hard to impress us lmao. something about an alternative guy being confronted with two people who pretty firmly don’t wanna fuck him that makes him say shit like ‘I like your style’ when I ask for a spaghett and so on.

also went to the Buckland museum today with other date and felt like such a cool guy when Steven (museum director which is a strong word for what he does but is his formal title) recognized me and was happy to see me and so on. We talked about lily dale a little bit. man I wish I could study and do academics about occult history it would be so fun. Like in a drawing down the moon kinda way not a silver ravenwolf way. though ddtm does have its biases. anyways she and I are going to the cinematheque Thursday to see a movie that seems insane but I don’t remember what it’s called rn.

I’m going to talk about my sex life if you know me proceed at your own peril.

I think it’s the funniest thing in the world when I explain to someone that I’m stone and don’t want to be fucked and that person is like “are you sure :( cause I will if you want” and it’s like. yeah you got me I gave you a sex riddle and you solved it only now may you fuck me. I get that it’s against most folk’s natures, especially if they’ve never encountered a stone person before but man lmao I pinky swear I’m telling the truth! She also described me as careful, which is really interesting. hadn’t thought about it like that will have to sit with it. i wonder where that comes from (i have a few guesses).

10/4/25

yay for @tryagaintomorrow performing on imposters stage for the first time!!! they say it’ll be the last but that’s a shrug from me dawg. twas a good point! (funny because that’s what the show is called)

time’s acting weird. thinking about a lot of stuff. want to get out of town want to throw a party want to clean my apartment want to live on a farm, a ship, in the woods, in a high rise. cut all my hair off grow it out get a tattoo piercing so on. burn my life down dig my heels in harder. be this person but more. yeah, be this person but more. do I have the vitality?

10/3/25

Shows were admittedly a bit lame tonight but you can’t win em all! at least kev and I had a good walk. tried to fix the popcorn machine and failed. I was hired to be charismatic and pleasant and lovely and also for my gentle and creative spirit, not to understand which screws tighten a spring. evil that I am forced to do this.

had dinner after the shows w a friend who also works at the theater a ton and it was good to just like talk with him about what’s going on in his life and what he’s thinking abt. Spent some time on this idea that I had in therapy: there is no secret ideal version of myself that I can become by being good enough or whatever. there’s just me baby! that’s all there’s ever gonna be! work with the me that there is instead of angsting over this hypothetical me that will never exist! so silly that therapy realizations that are earth shattering are like ‘I should be nice to myself’ and ‘it’s okay to be upset’. shoutout Mary for sitting through it regardless. friend also talked about yin yoga which I am curious to try. need to reground myself. I often need ritual to achieve this I am not ashamed to admit. had a salmon blt it was so delicious I love salmon and I love my friends. also had an obligatory are you mad at me conversation bc I declined to watch his dogs who are kind of maniacs which would be fine but they’re big maniacs who have close to bitten me in the past. surprise surprise he was not mad at me.

also spent some time on the idea of people who are only able to exist in the context of a relationship. this is something that is deeply foreign to me because as a child I made peace with the idea that I would die alone and unloved (not true suck it child me) so my life has been extremely inwardly oriented. I love to travel alone, work alone, answer to no one about my choices and wants. I need to leave occasionally and be deeply alone with myself, like really alone, so I can go inward and hear myself. i love being enmeshed in community and being in love and so on don’t get me wrong, but that foundation of being alone is integral to who I am. tried to avoid it (doing chivalry for real, the worship of love, turning someone into the Beloved, etc.) and it simply does not work and ends in disaster for everyone involved, myself especially. I do not have to sacrifice my need to know myself to be in community with others :)

10/2/25

I feel like I’m forgetting something. I dunno what but it’s wormed into my brain. I keep checking and rechecking all the stuff I have to do in the next few days. I hate being late and hate being a flake so maybe I’m just trying to get out in front of that. might be the feeling that I’ve bitten off more than I can chew, which I don’t necessarily believe. But also I’m doing a lot of stuff that’s fun but not objectively important. and admittedly expensive. gotta reel back the spending a lil bit.

Ever since I experienced (traumatic event) I sometimes get this overwhelming feeling that something bad is going to come and blindside me out of nowhere again. like I’m gonna get another phone call and something awful I couldn’t possibly prepare myself for will have happened and I have to deal with it again. family members or friends or whatever else, and I’ll be somehow even less equipped this time. Maybe that’s why I’m living so hand to mouth. I’m just attempting to hold out until I have to go back to crisis mode and the work it entails. It sometimes feels like I’m trying to self soothe when this feeling happens, attempting to put myself back into something I know how to do, a space I know how to exist in. It’s too liminal now, as much as that word gets used to death. I get nervous when I don’t know where some people are, or if they hang up suddenly or trail off in the middle of a text conversation. I can always talk myself out of it but the instinct is there.

I get angry more easily too now, for reasons I can’t quite articulate. My temper is definitely shorter, I’m quicker to rankle. It doesn’t happen so much anymore but there were times where I couldn’t stomach the feeling of going home so I’d drive to nowhere for hours wasting gas and ending up three towns over.

10/1/25

good day :) picked a way way too fancy spot for dinner on kind of accident haha, but still had a nice time! when it rains it does seem to pour, I have four(?) more dates on the books from now til Monday. perhaps too much of a good thing, but I will handle. had fun bopping around from task to task today. also bought some ice cream that is pancakes and maple syrup flavor? sounds very tasty. made a killer grain bowl the other night for meal prep and have been very happy to have a big meal in the middle of the day that has a lot of roughage in it. i'd like to get back on snap but dunno if gathering all my disparate information for the jobs i'm doing will even result in me getting anything anymore.

one of the people I matched with on tinder is at my very formative first adult job in the same position as me lmao. spent most of our time comparing notes on the people who worked there. crazy how nothing there has really changed! though admittedly it's one tyrant of a man who is to blame. and generally nonprofits/museums especially do not seem like they're capable of fixing themselves. I feel a lot more comfortable doing this freelance stuff that's not as associated with institutional power. though I suppose I am a manager now and for this I must be killed with hammers. I have to get up early to make sandwiches for an aquarium date tomorrow so time for bed honk shoo

9/30/25

I can't believe it's almost october. I feel so weird about where my life is at. am I okay? it seems like I am generally. my bills are currently paid, i'm not doing anything especially stupid. I have friends and people who love me. i'm dating. I experience new things with some regularity. I achieve goals that I set for myself (as long as someone else is involved, ha). there are areas where I want to change and improve but i'm also not actively losing it all the time. it isn't quite a way of being oriented towards the future but it feels stupid to try to live that way with how the world is right now. the likelihood that I own a home or have retirement money or whatever seems impossible. so I might as well make art and do things I like and care about my loved ones right now? right?

anyways. I'm watching a friend's animals right now and am reminded how much I love spending time with dogs. Kevin is very dumb and very happy to see me (and happy to do other things like sniff real hard, eat the cat food when i'm not looking, and try to cram himself into the armchair with me). sometimes even owning a dog doesn't feel achievable for me though, you know? I get so lost in all of the work/money/whatever something would ask of me, even if I really want it. sometimes the want is outweighed by the desire to not be bothered (or to have fucked it up). which we have discussed and will discuss in therapy thank you.

did get another very casual job offer though, teaching improv workshops for little kids. should be cute! good use of my time to have stuff going on regularly. gets me moving keeps me from the pit trap of not doing anything all day. and I will not argue with 45 bucks an hour. also kind of thinking about working on a tall ship next summer and am putting that out in the universe to get me to actually apply when winter rolls around and apps go up. one weird experience per summer seems reasonable to me.

9/29/25

yesterday was slug day and I am attempting to not feel guilt for that. having a lot of fun teaching! I have been gently pushing the teens to think with their brains and it seems to be working somewhat.

I can feel myself getting antsy. would love to get out of town, have too many things going on to do so. I want to finish getting the apartment together first before I do also. I don't have any big projects on the horizon now that gay show is over so that may be part of it. dog sitting this week so I am very bound to my friend's neighborhood. perhaps we commit to overplanning new Orleans this month (itinerary etc). friend of mine is going with me now and I fear they will come to know the strength and magnitude of the kind of